Teaching communication and compassion in Israel and Palestine

Roberta Wall is a Nonviolent Communication teacher based in Upstate New York. This Spring, she is teaching NVC in Israel and Palestine.  At the time of the most recent bombing in Jerusalem (March 2011), this is what she was doing:

Arava Institute NVC Training

The room was abuzz with participants working in small groups, listening to the feelings and needs of people who heard messages that were hard to hear. In our small group, the first message one of the young men picked was trying to talk to a soldier who had just arrested his father.

As the role play unfolded, I learned that this scenario had happened in Jordan to his father, who was arrested by the Jordanian police.

The young man began the "role play/role be" by saying with energy and agitation- what are you doing, where are you taking my father? The young man playing the soldier said, stand back, move away. The son, again, what are you doing? Stop.  And argument ensued and threatened to get worse.

We stopped and discussed the situation- within 5 seconds the situation had turned into an argument between the soldier and the young man. Is there another way we can do this? I asked, was he willing to try a nonviolent communication with the soldier? He was.

I began by asking the son to go inside himself, to connect with how he was feeling in his own body in that moment. Tight, constricted. I asked him,  what  is the emotion in the tightness he was feeling in his chest. Fear. Concern. He repeated , to himself," I am feeling fear and concern.  I am really worried about my father and my family. "We looked at the sheet of NVC needs (In Arabic).

 I explained that a nonviolent communication can take place only when we realize that our feelings are triggered by what the soldier does- but they are caused by our own needs- we feel the way we feel because something important to our own wellbeing -  an energy or state of being, called  a " need"  that we value and long for and thrive on-  isn't being met in that moment. We want to connect with our own need to understand ourselves and then to communicate that to the soldier. We all were using the Needs Inventory List to guess his needs for safety, security, empowerment, understanding.

As the role play continued, we coached the son to stay connected to his own feelings and needs- the more connected he stayed to himself in that way, the more he was able to be aware of what he was doing and saying and the clearer he stayed about what exactly he wanted from the policeman. When he got lost in his anger and upset, and didn't know his needs, he wasn't able to do anything to help meet the needs. The more he stayed connected with his need for his father's safety, for understanding what was going on, the more clearly he was able to ask the policeman for the help he needed.

He ended by asking the police for the name of someone who could tell him where his father was going. He ended by asking, and taking down, the policeman's cell phone number. He ended by feeling better and clearer about himself and what action to take to meet his needs in the moment.

(I was giving myself self empathy all through this- asking myself, is this preposterous for me, an American, from idyllic Woodstock, New York, to suggest using this with a soldier in Jordan? Am I in alignment with my own needs for awareness, for respect for other people 's  lives and experiences and understanding of their own experiences ?  How can I take care of this fear of mine that I am nit in that level of my own integrity? By checking in with them- is this useful, do you want to continue. Yes, the answer was yes, always, yes.)

Next, one of the Palestinian students in my group picked a scene at a checkpoint in the West Bank- a scene he said he has experienced many times- he was on his way to work and the Israeli soldier at the checkpoint said, the crossing is closed, come back in two hours.

One of the Jordanian men eagerly volunteered to play the Israeli soldier.

The role play began.

"Come back in two hours," the soldier said, without making eye contact, in a monotone voice (we called it a gruff voice).

Within five or ten seconds they were in an argument. I stopped and asked, is this how we want it to go, or do we want to try something different? I wanted to make sure I didn't have a judgment in my question, a hidden view that they "should" be using Nonviolent Communication- so I asked, what needs of yours are you meeting by expressing yourself in this way, by having this type of discussion? We used the sheets of Needs Inventory, which are in the packet I am using in the trainings here- the feelings and needs lists are in English, Arabic and Hebrew, thanks to Arnina Kashtan.)

We all looked at the sheets and guessed he was meeting his needs for self expression, for empowerment, for honesty, for being heard and understood. And we also saw that this wasn't effective in meeting all these needs. He was willing to try "a nonviolent communication."

I asked him to connect inside himself- how is he feeling in his own body when the soldier says, come back in two hours?  Tight, fear, anger, burning. What are the emotions- anger, frustration. He said, mostly frustration. What are the needs? ( We  use the feelings and needs sheets when we are training in this method of communication, to help us expand our literacy of feelings and understanding).   Freedom, choice, autonomy. I want these things. I want to travel freely and have choices about how I live. I also want to help my family, and need this job to do that. That gives me security and self respect.

Now that he had connected with his own feelings and needs, I suggested he communicate that to the soldier- instead of yelling at the soldier, or telling the soldier what he thought of him, or what the soldier was doing, he communicated how he felt and what need of his was causing the feelings.  I'm feeling scared and frustrated because its important to me and my family that I get to work.' The solder (played by one of the Jordanian students), said, I said 2 hours. Can't you hear?

We all took a breath. Time for the young man who wanted to cross the check point to connect with himself again. This time, to connect with himself so that he could have  the next conversation with the soldier- connecting with the soldier's feelings and needs.

 (I want to say here that I was giving myself empathy- wondering, feeling fear that I was offering something that wouldn't work in this situation, that isn't "appropriate" I am telling myself- under that jackal word, appropriate, I feel my own fear that I do not have the awareness or experience to offer these tools in a way that really contributes to people's peace and safety and wellbeing. And that supports their longings for freedom and transformation of the situation.  I meet this concern of mine by checking in with them- do you want to do this- do you want to see if this can work, do you want to experiment with this? Yes, they clearly were having fun!)

So now, the Palestinian student turns to the soldier, and says, again, I am just feeling frustrated and scared, my family is depending on me, is there anything we can do so that I can go through?

Again, " are you deaf, come back in two hours."

Again, self empathy; the student returns to himself, to his own experience of what is going to how frustrated he feels. (He reported that this is what he was feeling, more than anger in this moment.) He reported to the soldier, I'm feeling frustrated. Is there someone who I can talk to? I'm worried about my job.

The rest of us then witnessed something shift in the soldier in that moment, when he heard the student say, " I'm worried about my job."

The soldier said, " look, even if I wanted to let you through, I couldn't, I' d lose my job."

We were all stunned to hear that. I asked the soldier, what just happened? He said," Somehow I saw that there was a person standing in front of me."

I asked the student what was going on for him, he said all of a sudden he felt some sort of connection with the soldier. That even though he still couldn't get through for two hours, he felt more empowered, was in touch with his humanness. We finished the role play by talking about Mandela and Martin Luther King, the self dignity and power they felt, even in jail.

Toward the end of the NVC class at Arava,  we worked on learning to make requests that can change our lives; requests, as Marshall Rosenberg says, are what empower us, what really bring us into connection with the other person and the world...

For more, see Roberta's website at steps2peace.com.